Lawyer Jokes

The following is not based on scientific fact, and is intended for entertainment purposes only.

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
A. You can make a pet out of the snake.

Q. A lawyer and an I.R.S. agent jump off the empire state building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

A. WHO CARES?

Q. What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
A. Each has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming human.

Q. What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What do a pelican and a lawyer have in common?
A. They can both stick their bills up their ass.

Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under?
A. Because deep down they're good people.

Q. You're in a room with Saddam Hussein, Hitler, and a lawyer. You have a gun, but only 2 bullets. Who do you shoot?
A. The lawyer, twice.

Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One is a scum sucking bottom dweller. The other is a fish.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A. A judge.

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. None. They're all true stories.

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. Why do scientists prefer lawyers over rats for their lab experiments?
A. 1. Lawyers multiply faster than rats. 2. The researchers grow too attached to the rats. 3. There are just some things rats won't do.

Q. How can you tell the roadkill of a skunk from that of a lawyer?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Good News: A 747 jet with 297 lawyers aboard crashes with
no survivors.
Bad News: There were 3 empty seats.